Has the Term “Happily Married” Become an Oxymoron?

Just a question for all of you married folks out there!  I wonder sometimes if this statement is still true and whether or not people actually still use it.  I’ve had the pleasure of talking with some married folk and divorced folk and they tell me so many negative things.  They suggest that marriage is an undertaking that shouldn’t be underestimated.  They refer to their marriage as WORK!!!  The complaints range anywhere from “We were happily married for a few years” to “I want to strangle this person every morning when I wake up next to them!” What are their complaints? Believe me I’m no marriage expert but I must say that married folk nowadays with the exception of a few, make a sister want to think twice.
INFIDELITY WHO?
This has to be the number one problem or complaint of people who are married these days.  So much so that I can't help but wonder if there are any couples out there who haven't had to deal with it first hand.  Is this a reality if I want to get married? Whether he or she did the sneaking around, my question is “Was it worth it?”
Nothing better supports this argument than the most recent, ugly, public, exhibition of Swiss Beat’s marriage debacle and new planned pregnancy with Alicia Keys. Egypt (her new baby boy) has an excellent model of the way a man should love his wife. I must say that I have lost so much respect for the image Alicia Keys has portrayed.  She is what many experienced women call a bona fide home wrecker. 
IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES
Honestly, this is just a more pleasant way of saying they fight all the time.  They are constantly mad at each other and their not even sure why.  They don’t get along and really they are not trying to and the worst part is that everyone knows it. These irreconcilable differences are based on a variety of things, a perfect example being friends from the past…women/men who pop up and don’t respect that this person is now married and the married person doesn’t have the guts to put that person in their place.  Why do married folk sacrifice their relationship for a person from the past is beyond me but there are some who do it every day.  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have friends of the opposite sex when you are married but I am saying that if your spouse has a problem with it, shouldn’t it be your business to come to some sort of compromise? 
THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION/S
Are there people out there who still want to get married, and if so why?  Is your idea of marriage based on what you saw between your parents or is it just something you feel that you want in your life?   Don’t get me wrong, I do know some people that are ‘happily married’.  However, I know far more who are not.  A friend of mine said that people get married for all the wrong reasons.  If this is so, I sure would like to know what those reasons are so that I can check my thinking! 

I do want to get married one day.  I do believe that there are people who are ‘happily married’.  My question is why does it seem that the 'happily married' are fewer and fewer day by day?  Why am I constantly hearing from women in conversation that men are afraid of marriage?  If men can be baby daddies, why can’t they be fathers and husbands too? 
I JUST DON’T KNOW
I can’t act like I have all the answers to why marriages seem so glum, all I can do is expose my experiences.  I want someone to make sense of all this, didn’t someone, anyone, get married for the right reasons?

Attention: Whose Job is it to Educate America’s Children?

A conversation with a mom last week got me thinking about the answer to this question. She stated that she was tired of hearing teachers complain. They complain about their salaries, the bad children that they teach, and how much they hate their jobs at times. She said that teachers are constantly going back to school just to make more money and if they would just focus on being a better teacher, they would be one? This woman had some interesting views concerning teachers. She asked me “Didn’t you understand what you were getting into when you became a teacher?”


It’s Appalling
I must admit, this was an easy question for me to answer. Of course, I knew that I would be taking on a tremendous amount of responsibility. Teaching children was a career decision I thought through very carefully. However, I never thought that there would be children coming to school with brand new sneakers on their feet but no school supplies. Every teacher spends at least $500 out of pocket each year to provide for these students. I never thought that it would be impossible to contact a parent about their child’s progress all year long but see them at my doorstep because the child “cussed me out!” and I’ve written a referral. I knew that some students would come from tough homes and that I would have to love them and be their mother, father, doctor, lawyer, counselor, social worker, cheerleader, and provider. However, I never thought that I would come in contact with parents who cared so little about their child’s education. I can always tell a child that comes from this type of home and I must tell you it is very hard to alter this “nonchalance” view of education. However, I try to foster a love for learning in each and every child. How we expect our children to be successful in this highly competitive world with such a mentality is completely beyond me. I do know firsthand that it can be done.


A Parents Job
Parents who do their job have children who thrive. They are well cared for and come to school anxious to learn whatever you have prepared for them. These children can talk about their school day with their parents and their parents listen. They communicate with their child’s teacher and support them at home. This has nothing to do with money. Children whose parent’s care about their schooling come from all socioeconomic backgrounds. Even when the family is experiencing difficulties these children may have trouble coping but eventually, with the help of a counselor, it all works out. However, I fear that there are so many of our children who simply don’t care about their education. Whose job is it to correct this issue? 

Proverbs 22:6 says: Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.The Answer
Everything cannot and should not be blamed on the teacher or the parent. Not all teachers are great but not all teachers are substandard either. The very same can be said for parents. However, I do know that if our children do not value their education, the outlook does not look good! Now whose going to be responsible for that?

Could You Date a McDonald's Employee?

     Recently during a grown-up conversation among men and women a universal truth surfaced. Men can date women who work at McDonald's but women can't date men who work there.  Women need a man that makes more than they do.  Hmmm...is this true?  Fellas, ladies, please I need your input!


In My Opinion 
I wouldn't say that I am a hugely successful career woman.  However, I do have a career and I can support myself without any help from a man.  I'm not sure what you would call that...independent maybe?  My honey can make whateva, as long as he IS in fact working.  Now there is a minimum here.  I want him to make at least my salary or more.  I'm a teacher, so I don't think that is too much to ask.  I have dated guys who were blue collar workers.  I actually like when a man is skilled at something, especially fixing cars or carpentry. I will always feel confident that he can either keep my car in good shape or make priceless additions to our love nest, ie. hardwood deck, tree house, etc. Hope this doesn't sound as selfish as it reads!  Now, I know there are some Sistas out there who have higher expectations and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.


Mans' Opinion
There were several Fellas who stated that career women were hard to be with.  Huh?  Yeah, I had the same reaction.  According to some guys they feel that if we are successful that they can't be with us.  Why?  I'm not sure.  Something about us being picky and making them feel as though they couldn't measure up...literally.  Well, I thought this was a very harsh statement. Why would a man have a problem with a woman who was successful in her career? The conversation then went on to say that men can date women who work at McDonald's but a woman cannot date a man who works there.


Could You Date a McDonald's Man
Now, I think the Fellas had a point with the McDonald's man thing.  If I worked at McDonald's I would date a McDonald's manager.  However, that's as far as I would go.  I am a teacher therefore, I would date a man who owned a McDonald's.  I don't think this is superficial of me, I just think that people should have some sort of expectation about finances.

1 Timothy 5:8 says, If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.


Obviously men are responsible for their families and how can a man be responsible if he doesn't make a decent salary?  Whatever the woman decides is decent is up to her. Let's just say that for guys, ladies you better not make too much. What do you think?

Ladies: Are you a fan of dinner hot and ready when he gets home?

I must say that times are changing and so are the views of young single women.  Tonight I had the pleasure of striking up a conversation with ladies from various backgrounds and ages.  The hot topic of the night was..."Women respect your husbands and submit...that's why your not married yet, you don't know how to treat a man!!"  Uh Oh, we know where this conversation went.  Yes I admit that opinions went flying and everyone had a say!!  But the question is...do we need to be a Susie homemaker to find and keep a man?  This is a question for both the single and married!!!



Single Woman's View
I believe that this day in age, single women look at their role in a relationship very differently from women twice their age.  Today, we as women are the bread winners, mothers, wives, housekeepers, and so much more.  Single women nowadays are wanting men to share the responsibilities of a household, ie. cooking, cleaning, and taking care of potential children.  If I'm wrong ladies let me know!!!  We have no problem respecting our husbands but I think the old "dinner hot and ready when he gets home" has stepped aside to allow "whoever gets home first"!



Married Women
See this is where things get blurry!  I of course am not married so I cannot speak for married women.  This is where I need some help. Do married women still cater to their husbands?  I work with many women in the teaching profession and most of their husbands help out significantly around the house.



What does the bible have to say about this?
There are so many scriptures that can apply to this topic but the one the stands out to me the most is...

Ephesians 5:22: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.  For the Husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their  own husbands in every thing.  Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;



I know people can take certain parts of this scripture and run with it.  What do they run with?  The submission part!  At first this used to bother me, why would Christ order women to submit.  When I researched what this entailed I found out much more than I ever could have imagined, things that stemmed back to Adam and Eve.  However, I realized one thing.  It is easy for a woman to submit to a man when he has taken his rightful role in the marriage/relationship.  That means he is a provider, and he does what the above says, loves his wife!

 
I believe that if my husband came home before me he wouldn't just put his feet up and wait for me to get home and start dinner.  If he loved me he would start cooking so I could enjoy a meal when I get home (especially now that I have taken on some of his role as provider).  I also believe that I would do the same.  Submission doesn't mean slavery, it means that you're free to do things for each other.  Am I right?



This day in age women are doing everything, we are filling the role of men something that God never intended.  Therefore, I do not believe that it is easy for us to fill such strict "Susie Homemaker" molds.  I believe that to have a companion you must compromise and meet each other half way according to what is needed in the relationship.

However, if my husband worked all day which afforded me the housewife lifestyle, you best believe this sister will have dinner hot and ready when he gets home!!!

Lose the Tude: Could Black Women Benefit From a Little Less Attitude?

One day, after picking my son up from school and getting settled in the car he asked, “Mommy, why are black girls so mean?” Needless to say I was flabbergasted and had to take a moment to ponder my response to this inquiry. Then it suddenly donned on me, “I’m black and I don’t have attitude” and so many other women in my son’s life are happy and successful black women. So, I figured I would begin by asking him if all black women he knew were mean. He said no to all the women I presented as examples of “nice” black women. I then proceeded to tell him about stereotypes and how we shouldn’t make generalizations about any race.

Shortly after, I pulled into McDonalds to grab a quick bite to eat before heading off to church. “Hello, hello…take your order!” A loud voice acrimoniously boomed from the speaker near the first window. I proceeded to give my order at the menu with a flashing screen documenting my dinner. As I drove around to the first window…what did I see, a Sista staring back at me with a look of disgust as though I had just ruined her day. Never mind that [she] was at work and [she] chose her current profession. At that moment I felt like a real bother to this woman. Now I know that McDonalds isn’t the best job a person can have and that she probably just didn’t feel like working that day. So I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, smiled and told her “Have a nice day.”

What is my point? My point is that black women with attitude are becoming a topic that men seem to mention over and over again! They are always asking me why I’m “so nice” and “always smiling” as though all black women are nagging, frowned faced, and unpleasant. I have noticed however, that black women tend to be a bit more “tell it like it is” than most. Is that why black men seem to be gravitating toward women outside of their race to find a mate? This reminds me of a specific conversation that I had just recently with a young black man that went something like this, “black women are so uptight, (non black) women know how to have fun and are more free to go along with what I want to do.” Brother, if you think I’m uptight just because I won’t come to your house late at night, after knowing you for only one week, then maybe you should seek the companionship of a --- woman! I mean, I don’t have any reservations concerning any woman, no matter her race, but why do black men seem to lump all black women into one category? Yes, there are some Sistas out there who have attitude, and maybe some days I do have one myself, but that doesn’t mean it’s who we are or who I am.

Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride [goeth] before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.

The bible suggests that attitude is inspired by pride and that pride comes before a fall. I agree that maybe there is a connection here. We have definitely fallen from view beside successful black men in the media. If you look at television today there are so many black males who have married outside of their race; Dr. Dre, Tiger Woods, Ronde and Tiki Barber, Michael Jordan, Tae Diggs, to name a few. I don’t believe that this is entirely our fault but I do think that it is a trend.

On another note, it does concern me that young boys already have that impression of us and I’m not sure where it’s coming from but I know it has to end here. Our young girls need to be taught how to treat others in a respectful manner if they don’t already know. Attitude, i.e. snapping of the fingers, twisting the neck, and sashaying of the hips, can make them feel older, but what it is really doing is setting a lasting impression on black boys who eventually become men. I’m not saying that it’s all our fault black women; I think we are naturally strong and independent. However, I do desire a man who can take charge and still show respect. But, as far as attitude is concerned, I can only speak for myself, looking sassy and proud isn’t attracting any black men these days and apparently not any little boys either.

Just Like Flying...

Remember when a plane ticket would take you and your four pieces of luggage anywhere you wanted to go?  You didn't have to plan every last item you put into a suitcase right down to the accessories.  If you thought you needed it you packed it (just in case). Unfortunately, things are so very different now. The more you carry, the more you have to pay. The more prepared you try to be, the more you have to "shell out"at the ticket counter. Now, lets say the plane is propelling you to your destiny and that baggage...well you figure that one out.  

So wait a minute--are you paying extra for your baggage"just in case"? 

There are often times when I reminisce about the relationships that I have had over the years. Over half of my friends and past loves put on their shoes and walked straight into my past. There are others, I still get some sort of pleasure out of knowing, that I beat them to the punch.  Inevitably one day, while reflecting, I began to wonder if I harbored any ill will toward these folks. I must admit YES, I am guilty!  Could my failed relationships have contributed to my current view and treatment of others? Maybe that's why I don't believe people's first words, promises, or why I always press the mute button on my feelings early into any relationship. Maybe that's why I I'm a squatter, not a sitter--no offense-- and I never put anything past anyone.

I realized that day, I am secretly protecting my heart, guarding it with due diligence.  I feel as though I'm pretty good at this too. I'm not bitter so obviously my self-preservation techniques are working?  I can't help but wonder, if and when "the one" shows up at the airport to take me home, whether he'll have room to get in the car after I have filled it with all my "baggage".

Proverbs 4:23 says, "...guard your heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life."

I think God knows our nature and even our tendency to self-preserve.  In fact, he even warns us not to be so open with our hearts. I'm almost certain that this warning was written to heighten our awareness of the fact that as Christians, we can and sometimes will, get hurt. People aren't perfect and if we've never been hurt then we've probably never truly loved anyone. However, I think it is important that we don't carry all that "baggage" along on our journey through this life.  Ask yourself, "Am I making someone carry excess baggage to be with me?"

Let's face it, today when we fly we pay for everything, even our carry on. Therefore, it is safe to say that if your paying for it, you might as well make sure its something your going to need.